Blast From the Past

Story time!

So sit back and let me tell you a little yarn about your old friend, Tenacious B.

It may give you a little insight as to who he is, and why he is, what he is.



It was the early 90s. Clinton was a new, idealist president, Rodney King was getting his ass beat, as was everyone that went on a date with Mike Tyson. The Pentium was born, Nirvana was top of the charts, and Tenacious B was in Love.

The Big "L."

As in head over heels.

My first real Love.

Her name was Heather.

We had been dating for a couple of years. It was a tumultuous romance, passionate, wild, and carefree only as a couple of inexperienced, dumb 20ish can be. The world was our burrito.

She was graduating and going into the USAF as an analyst. We sat down and made a plan. She was to go through basic and OCS, then when she got assigned I was going to pack up my troubles in my old kit bag and smile, smile, smile. No wait, I was going to move out to be with her. So until basic started she was going to spend some time with her parents in Florida.

I missed her the day she left.

And the day after.

For about a week we talked for hours on the phone each night.

Then one night, the phone didn't ring. It didn't ring the next night. I called, and her sister answered and told me she was out. Ok, have her give me a call when she gets in. The phone didn't ring again. The phone persisted in not ringing. And just as mysteriously, she was not there when I called.

After a week or so, I was getting some stuff together to drive out to Florida to find out what happened, when the phone stopped not ringing.

It was her.

The call lasted for all of two minutes. I don't remember the entire conversation, but I remember the last thing she said to me...

"My life is different now, and you're not a part of it. Goodbye."

Click.

The short version of this was

• She broke up with me after over two years.
  
• I didn't know why.

It's at this point that I find out how important closure is. Six weeks go by. My parents get mail from her.

It was a wedding announcement. My dear, sweet mother (being who she is) sends a short, sweet, congratulatory card. It was returned, "Refused by sender."

It took me a long time to get over her.

Long time. Think years.

**********

Fast forward to last week. I got an email from Facebook and pulled it up on my phone.

From her.

"Heather sent you a message.

--------------------
Subject: ???

Did you live in College Station in mid-90's? If so, I just want to apologize.

Heather"


...

I had nothing. I mean, this was the apology I needed 15 years ago.

FIFTEEN YEARS.

My mind was pulled in 1,463 directions at once. First of all, I WAS over her. So to be honest I really didn't need it. Secondly, I was gracious that she did realize that she hurt me. Also, I was a little angry, sad, happy, appreciative... you get the picture.

I took a day and threw this back, wanting to take the high road:

"Y'know, it's funny. Every year or so I try to find YOU to apologize. I found some trails here and there, but never anything concrete.

I won't lie, you were my first Love and I was hurt. But that was a long time ago, and I made it a point to just remember the good times. We DID have a lot of those, if you remember. Regardless, thank you and I accept.

-B"

Thinking it was over, done. I said my peace and moved on. The next day I got...

"Glad to know that we're in the same place...there were good times.

So anyway, what are you up to these days? I'm in San Antonio working for ATT. Married with a daughter. We just got back from a trip to Hawaii last month. Beautiful, wouldn't mind going there permanently.

H"

That actually bugged me a little. To me it was a "Hey, sorry I broke your heart and punched you in the chest back then. Can I put you on my Christmas list?"

I said nothing. No response.

So a couple of days later I got:

"Re: ???

After my mind has wandered over this for a few days, I'm not sure what you would need to apologize for. I guess each person sees the circumstances differently, and I didn't hold any hard feelings towards you. I was feeling more guilty about how I ended things; I took some actions I feel were really less than true to my nature. I guess you do what you know, and I know better now. Starting to ramble...sorry.

Anyway, hope your happy and doing what is best for you now.

H"

So here's my response (which was never sent)...

Heather,

I appreciate the effort, you did hurt me. What you did was wrong.

COMMA

That was over 15 years ago and I'm over it. I'm over you. What is best for me is to do what I did a decade ago: File away the good memories we had in storage and forget everything else.

THE END.

*************


And they all lived happily ever after.

Welcome to 2009!

It's another year come and gone, and '09 is gonna be kickass.

How do I know this?

Because the B says so.

In accordance with prophecy.

Each year, I like to look back and see what I learned. So without further adieu...

The Top 10 things I learned in 2008

1. Always know where your cookies are.
2. Sometimes it's okay to ask for help.
3. But remember to say "Thank you" and "I Love you."
   
4. Cleaning out the closets can cleanse your soul.
5. Adult novelty stores can be a scary place (albeit fun with the right people).
6. Kindness gets returned to you.
7. Anger never solves problems. Hope always does.
   
8. Words can hurt more than anything else possibly can.
9. You can touch a life, make a memory, and change the world without meaning to.
10. Make sure it's for the better.

Inspected by No. 37

I needed to get my truck inspected, as any respectable, conscientious citizen would. Also I got a ticket the last time I went out of town on business.

In all fairness, I was guilty as sin. The new girl at the office and I went to lunch, and on the way back to the board meeting, I saw the lights. Those pretty red and blue flashing lights, surrounding the 15,000,000-lumen strobe headlights that all police cars seem to have now, (used between rave gigs). I obediently pulled into a parking lot, so the officer can write me my ticket without being hit by all the uninsured, unlicensed drivers speeding by on their cell phones, reaching in the back seat to smack their hookers for letting the pit bull spill cocaine all over their machine guns.

Not that I'm bitter.

It was never an issue on passing inspection. I take pretty good care of it, as much as I depend on it for work. Plus I still owe a metric assload of money on it.

So I took off to the local corporate soulless mega-chain lube center, insurance, impatience and $28.34 in tow. The wait was only about 30 min, so I went to lunch, came back ready to drive off without avoiding cops any more. A toothless mechanic with a limp (I'm not making that up) got out and said, as professionally as he could, "There's a problem."

Here in Texas we have mandatory emissions testing as part of the inspection. In the past, they would stick a probe up your tailpipe (yeah, I giggled too). A veritable automotive colonoscopy. My truck failed the emissions test but not because of the actual emissions. It failed because my truck couldn't tell them that it passed. Read that again. Apparently any vehicle made after 1997 can only pass emissions testing if they can hook their iPhone into it and have a productive IM session. But in this case, my truck was using Yahoo! Messenger, where the shop was on a commodore 64. In other words, it was giving their scanner the blue screen of death. But were not allowed to do the auto anal probing. Let's review...

Legally, I'm not allowed to operate a car in Texas unless a mechanic licensed by Texas tells the state that it's safe. However, the mechanic can't tell the state it's safe unless the car tells the mechanic itself it is safe.

Makes perfect sense.

They apparently didn't have the expertise to diagnose the issue, so they sent me in the direction of a couple of different repair shops. I did exactly what any sane person would do, namely pull over and call my ringer, T from work, the perennial "car guy."

"They said my OBD (On-Board Display) might have a short."
"What?"
"According to them, the connector probably need to be replaced."
"That doesn't happen. They're blowing smoke up your ass."
"Thanks."

On his advice, I took it to an Auto Zone, and had them use their scanner. Sure enough, it wasn't connecting. The guy there suggested it might just be a blown fuse. Pliers in hand, we started pulling fuses. And found it. At 15A, to be exact. We replaced it, and sure enough, the scanner and my truck were soon chatting like old cellmates.

And what was the fuse for, you ask?

The cigarette lighter.

I shit you not.

It's the equivalent of having laryngitis due to an ingrown toenail.

With the onboard computer now talking like a meth-addled auctioneer, I run back to the Lubes"Я"Us. And guess what?

Failed again.

Apparently, when we replaced the fuse, it essentially cleared the RAM of the OBD. So they told me to come back after I drive it for about 150 miles, when the computer can reset its settings.

And I need to get my inspection done by Friday.

Got a lot of driving to do.

Santa Clauz in the Hizzy!

My phone rings yesterday afternoon. Normally I don't answer if I don't recognize the number, but it was from a local number and I was already looking for an excuse to stop talking with a coworker.

*[insert random annoying ringtone here]*
Me: "Hello?"
They: "Santa?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
They: "Yes. Is this Santa?"
Me: "Not that I'm aware of. Can I help you with something?"
They: "I'm sorry. You were listed as a reference for Robert XXXXXX at this number."
Me: "Nope. Sorry, don't know him. But I can tell you he's been a very naughty boy."
They: "Ok, I'll list the number as 'invalid. Have a nice day."
Me: "Merry Christmas."

I stared at the phone for a bit.

The things that amazed me about this call:

1. that someone actually listed Santa as a reference
2. that a company would still call to check on it
3. that Santa lives in Central Texas
4. that they actually found me

I mean, what gave it away?

Ho.

MIA

I've been asked so much these past few months where I've been, what's going on in B's universe, why haven't I been writing, etc.

Answers in short:
-Been here
-A lot
-I have been. sorta.

To clarify that last one... yes, I do mean blog posts. and journal entries. and and and.

But I haven't published. Currently I have 27 drafts going. So here's what goes on in my world...

I have a I know it'd be a great post, so I start on it. I'm trucking along before I lose steam at some point, or get distracted, or get busy. Regardless, the draft will be 90% done, and I can never get back into it enough to just whip it out and move on. So then, I'll have another story, an idea, a theorem, random ramblings. Same thing will happen. Then I'll have another one, which I'll actually finish, but it necessitates knowing something from a prior post (sitting in a draft), So I can't publish until I finish that one... So that's whay I have 27 drafts and no posts for the last few months.

My plan for vaca was that I woulds finish all the posts and publish them at once, so everyone can catch up. Obviously that didn't happen.

So instead of people being lost for a few days, I end up not posting at all.

Really, this is how my mind works.

I'll still try to whip those out, but in the meantime I'll be here NOT procrastinating.

December 3rd

Although it kills me, Lil, I'm going to take your advice.

Kinda.


It's ChaCha's birthday today, and it's been tearing me up trying to not acknowledge it. It's the first time since we've met that I've been persona non grata for it.

I had a few ideas on doing something nice, between making her something, sending her a quick text, or like what I did last year (donate toys to Toys For Tots in her name) but I think I'll let it go. It's a shame, really. I Loved all the messages and good wishes sent to me on my day.

So instead, what I WILL do is bundle up all the good wishes, happy birthdays, happy thoughts, Love and affection, and set it adrift on the wind.

I hope they find their way to you.

Happy birthday.

Muchos Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaacias

I wish my family the best Thanksgiving ever.

That's right, we're not spending it together. Or at least they are.

My sisters normally (well, normally the eldest one) throw together a shindig, with the turkey, cranberries and all the typical accessories that come forthwith. This year a friend of hers is putting one together, and we're all invited.

I'm not going.

I want to. I know them, my sistas will be there, my folks, plenty of pooches, gobs of food, wine, women and song.

Problem is, because of the way the thing's arranged, plus stuff going on here, and and and, I'd have to come back that night. I figure it'd be about a 5 1/2 hr each way, and 11 hours on the road is a lot of driving for one day, especially when you enter in all the food, alcohol, etc.

But don't worry, there is a plan.

Spending it with Lil and her fam. Primarily to deflect the drama going on with them. But regardless, I'll be spending it with someone I care about.

Good times.

And Thanks.


Thanks to my family, My sisters who never judged me even when I screwed up (once or twice) and Loved me just the same.

Thanks to my folks for too many reasons to list here. Just know I Love you, and I appreciate all you've given me.

Thanks to Lillith, for always being there to point out when I'm being a douchebag, to criticize me every chance she gets, and to make me a better person for having known her.

Thanks to my company (I know, right??) for finally realizing that I deserve this promotion.

Thanks to the US for finally coming to her senses.

In the past year I would also like to thank Fred, Berry, Miss Divine, Mariah, ChaCha, 'Stache, Guido, Yahtzee, Jean, Wrigley, Murphy, Jesus M, and Father Fab for all their Love, patience, and everything else they've given me in the past year.

Love you all.

Tenacious B, You Have a Match!

I've been signed up on a certain dating site for a while. There are a few possibles, but the bar is raised pretty high.

Anyway, after answering the same questions over and over I've started to get bored with the same answers and actually send my kneejerk responses. Funny thing is, I get more of a response when I'm being my normal smartass self.

So, here's a list of answers I've actually sent (all E) and gotten responses...

When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

A) I don't have a great need for "personal space". I like lots of together time.
B) I find my time spent working is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner.
C) As long as I can get one night a week to myself, my personal space needs are met.
D) When I'm with my partner I'm completely there, but I do need considerable time for personal reflection.

E) 2.67431 cubic meters (at sea level).
E) When I'm not battling space ninjas for the fate of the Earth, I enjoy spending time and sharing with who I'm with.

Which of the following things would you rather have lots of?

A) respect
B) money
C) fame
D) power

E) sheep.
E) minions
E) tacos

If you had to characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships, they would be described as:

A) pleasant as breaking up can be, with both people feeling it was the best decision
B) sad, with one partner being hurt and feeling betrayed
C) very dramatic, with lots of hurtful accusations
D) angry, with lots of feelings of disappointment

E) With blood.
E) Minor, since they never found the bodies

How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

A) I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
B) With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.
C) I'm still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.
D) It's hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

E) I am open and honest to a fault. Try to not ask me if your ass looks fat in those jeans.
E) I will speak my mind, but only in a combination of semaphore and braille.
E) with grunts and wild, complex hand gestures.

Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?

A) Sure, I love to hold hands, hug and give casual kisses.
B) I'm moderately affectionate. I like to hold hands and exchange hugs.
C) I do like a small amount of physical affection.
D) I don't consider myself a very physically affectionate person.

E) I am a hugger, hand-holder, kiss-stealer, dance-in-the-middle-of-HEB-when-a-good-song-comes-on type of guy. But don't worry, dry-humping in the middle of the produce section is out... usually.

Your idea of adventure is:

A) whitewater rafting
B) karaoke singing
C) trying a different route to work
D) ordering a dish you've never tried before

E) Battling nazis and dodging bullets in the quest for the Mighty Plunger of Quetzalcoatl

Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?

A) making a presentation to 500 people
B) a long car ride with a person you just met
C) talking about your deepest fears with your lover
D) meeting with the president of the company you work for

E) Being trapped in a closet with snakes, a puma, and several riverdancers
E) Dropping the soap in a Turkish prison

General Weirdness

I'm in a goofy mood today.

And apparently I'm not the only one. Here are some excerpts from actual IM conversations this morning...

***: doing some research on euro power plugs so i know what to get
Tenacious B: for your "marital aids?"
***: no, for my camera when i go to italy
Tenacious B: oh, right. those are a bitch to get through customs
***: marital aids or power adapters?
Tenacious B: sybians
***: heh, im not lugging one of those through italy
Tenacious B: what was I thinking?

***: hehe, how was
***: your weekend?
Tenacious B: my weekend was
Tenacious B: pretty uneventful
***: no wild parties?
***: yeah mine too, lots of studting and sleeping
Tenacious B: yeah, but it was over pretty quick after the donkey died
***: damn donkey never can keep up
Tenacious B: nope. choked on a midget

***: heh, well im glad i popped in amongst the miscellany and not amongst something more important
Tenacious B: oh, my randomness IS more important
Tenacious B: that's where the universe-changing theories and epiphanies reside
***: heh, good to know! is that somewhere next to the blackhole where the things you forget lay?
Tenacious B: you know about that?
***: heh, my blackhole is very prominent and ever expanding
***: so how was your weekend?
Tenacious B: ***: heh, my blackhole is very prominent and ever expanding
Tenacious B: /insert crude joke here
***: hehe, yeah, i left it wide open for you!
Tenacious B: /rimshot

Tenacious B: wow, that sounds SO wonderful
***: Doesn't it beat work and chores?
Tenacious B: like a rented mule

Tenacious B: wonder how the planets are aligned?
***: I was just about to ask if Eros was rising or some such nonsense.
***: It's a flouncy dress, sassy heels in hand, feet in water, frolicky kind of day.
Tenacious B: meh, my dress is too formal for that
***: that's why they made dry-cleaners.
***: So my horoscope says it's a great day for me to try something brand-new.
Tenacious B: anal?

"Your" Going to Dig This