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In My email today at work...


What. The. Eff...

Guess the recession is killing the business of dealers too

Here There Be Pirates

Tons of stuff going on here, huge changes, life reboot. Plus I'm getting a little tired of hearing "So, when you gonna start blogging again?"

So I'll start today with a quick post.

The Pirate Bay recently got a new host after being booted from their old one, in the form of The Pirate Party. I browsed over and saw this:

I lul'd.

Sweetest. Dog. Ever.

I cried.

Clicky

(And yes, I'm coming back)

Irony

I was at work in a meeting, when the agent I was working with needed to use the facilities. As I normally do, I hit the stumble button a few times.

And I got this...


Irony in action.

Let the Zombie Apocalypse Begin!

I would've never thought the Zombie Apocalypse would start in Britain, but then again...




Read the full article here.

"There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in London due to mutation of the H1N1 virus into new strain: H1Z1.

Similar to a scare originally found in Cambodia back in 2005, victims of a new strain of the swine flu virus H1N1 have been reported in London.

After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it’s victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”"

Time to dust off the machete and crowbar.

(Of course this is a hoax, but to the peeps that did it... well done. You win the internet.)

Don't Make Me Choose

A friend shot me a link to the "Are you addicted to bacon" online quiz over at RecipeStar.

It made me chuckle, so I ran through it. Everything was going fine until I hit this question:


Next thing I knew I was curled up in a fetal position, whimpering softly.

1 Girl 750 Cups

The new girl in my office told me she wanted to prank a guy named Eric for April Fool's. Eric's the OCD one, the kind of guy that flips if everything isn't at a 90º angle. She wanted to Post-it his office. That sounded like fun, until it occurred to me... SHE'S the new one.

We work in a very conservative office (read: full of old guys) and just recently a newer generation has been coming in. Pranks were not really the norm.

Until now.

/snickers


Here's her office.
Very orderly...

Very neat and tidy....




That simply will not do.






The materials:
400 12oz plastic cups
162 9oz paper cups
200 3oz paper cups
one 3qt pitcher
WAAY too much time on my hands.




Starting to lay them out in an orderly fashion



And then the floor



Still moving around the desk. I assumed I wouldn't have enough cups, and I was right. I should've doubled the plastic ones. But I pulled it off by spreading them just far enough apart so you can't get a foot between them.




Executive decision time. I couldn't fill the floor as it was, so I took off the cups from the back table and replaced them with paper. The open spots were for my big caveman feet to move around.



And on to the desk...



And the back table was transformed into...


wait for it...



At this point I started pouring water into the cups. Only about 1/4 full. I wanted to put in just enough water to be annoying (Bear in mind that the nearest sink is over 40 feet away down the hall).



My crowning achievement. For safety reasons I left the cups ON the desk empty.



It took about 8 trips with the pitcher to get water in all of them.



And I still didn't know what to do with the rest of the tiny 3oz cups, so I made a little patio inside the door.





I win.

THE GREATEST MUPPET MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!

I stumbled across a post by Merrick over at Ain't It Cool. Apparently someone got his grubby little hands on the script for the next Muppet Movie.

/giggity

A short excerpt (SPOILER ALERT):

"When Kermit decides to get the Muppets back together, he sends out the Muppet signal, ala the bat-signal. We then see where all the Muppets are and what they're doing. It's also a very funny sequences. Rowlf is working in a Kinko's run by cats. Gonzo is a crime fighter (including a cameo of Christian Bale in full Batman costume). The Electric Mayhem are performing in some dive bar in Alaska. Animal is in a celebrity rehab center for anger management."

This makes me happy on the inside.

I agree with TGG on this one. The last few Muppet movies were lauded with a thundering "meh," although I do have a love for the "cabin fever" scene in Muppet Treasure Island. Regardless, those last few ones missed the point of the Muppets.

They should be light, fun, and downright silly. This one looks promising.

Manamana.

Yes, I do own this shirt.

MIA

I've been asked so much these past few months where I've been, what's going on in B's universe, why haven't I been writing, etc.

Answers in short:
-Been here
-A lot
-I have been. sorta.

To clarify that last one... yes, I do mean blog posts. and journal entries. and and and.

But I haven't published. Currently I have 27 drafts going. So here's what goes on in my world...

I have a I know it'd be a great post, so I start on it. I'm trucking along before I lose steam at some point, or get distracted, or get busy. Regardless, the draft will be 90% done, and I can never get back into it enough to just whip it out and move on. So then, I'll have another story, an idea, a theorem, random ramblings. Same thing will happen. Then I'll have another one, which I'll actually finish, but it necessitates knowing something from a prior post (sitting in a draft), So I can't publish until I finish that one... So that's whay I have 27 drafts and no posts for the last few months.

My plan for vaca was that I woulds finish all the posts and publish them at once, so everyone can catch up. Obviously that didn't happen.

So instead of people being lost for a few days, I end up not posting at all.

Really, this is how my mind works.

I'll still try to whip those out, but in the meantime I'll be here NOT procrastinating.

General Weirdness

I'm in a goofy mood today.

And apparently I'm not the only one. Here are some excerpts from actual IM conversations this morning...

***: doing some research on euro power plugs so i know what to get
Tenacious B: for your "marital aids?"
***: no, for my camera when i go to italy
Tenacious B: oh, right. those are a bitch to get through customs
***: marital aids or power adapters?
Tenacious B: sybians
***: heh, im not lugging one of those through italy
Tenacious B: what was I thinking?

***: hehe, how was
***: your weekend?
Tenacious B: my weekend was
Tenacious B: pretty uneventful
***: no wild parties?
***: yeah mine too, lots of studting and sleeping
Tenacious B: yeah, but it was over pretty quick after the donkey died
***: damn donkey never can keep up
Tenacious B: nope. choked on a midget

***: heh, well im glad i popped in amongst the miscellany and not amongst something more important
Tenacious B: oh, my randomness IS more important
Tenacious B: that's where the universe-changing theories and epiphanies reside
***: heh, good to know! is that somewhere next to the blackhole where the things you forget lay?
Tenacious B: you know about that?
***: heh, my blackhole is very prominent and ever expanding
***: so how was your weekend?
Tenacious B: ***: heh, my blackhole is very prominent and ever expanding
Tenacious B: /insert crude joke here
***: hehe, yeah, i left it wide open for you!
Tenacious B: /rimshot

Tenacious B: wow, that sounds SO wonderful
***: Doesn't it beat work and chores?
Tenacious B: like a rented mule

Tenacious B: wonder how the planets are aligned?
***: I was just about to ask if Eros was rising or some such nonsense.
***: It's a flouncy dress, sassy heels in hand, feet in water, frolicky kind of day.
Tenacious B: meh, my dress is too formal for that
***: that's why they made dry-cleaners.
***: So my horoscope says it's a great day for me to try something brand-new.
Tenacious B: anal?

"Pet Me More"

I was doing some cleanup on my desktop at work, and I came across something I wrote WAAAAAAAY back (several years). Back when I was still fostering Shadow for Gold Ribbon Rescue.

A little background:
Shadow was the sweetest dog ever, and very calm-natured... except he was scared to death of thunderstorms. Normally he would sleep beside me on the floor. But when it was storming out, he'd climb into bed with me.

One such instance inspired me to pen this...
(all due apologies to Poe)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE GOLDEN

Once upon a midnight storming, while I lay there, weak and warming,
Overshadowed by a quiet rumbling of an ambient snore
While I drifted, nearly dozing, suddenly there came imposing,
As of someone gently panting, panting on my bedroom floor.
" 'Tis some doggie," I muttered, "panting on my bedroom floor;
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I recall, it was coming down the hall,
And each separate puppy breath wrought its steam through the door.
Eagerly I wished the morning; cautiously I'd not heed the warning
From my sheets devoid of sleep, sleep like I did before,
For the rare and radiant sleep which I shall attempt once more,
That noise I shall ignore.

And the soulful sad unceasing rustling of that damp wet season
Provoked me---Woke me with the rain that began to pour;
So that now, to the sounds of the room, I stood repeating,
" 'Tis some Golden wanting to get off the bedroom floor,
Some scared puppy needing off the bedroom floor.
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my heart grew weary; Suddenly I had a theory,
"Shadow," said I, "come to me, and although it is a chore;
But the fact is, you are enchanting, and so loudly you were panting,
And so strongly you were panting, panting on my bedroom floor,
That you know was sure I heard you." Here I reached upon the floor;---
A hot rug there, and nothing more.

Back into the sheets I turned, all I felt that I was spurned,
Soon again I heard a panting, although louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, there is something in my king-sized bed.
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this sound I must explore.
Let my heart be still a moment, and this sound I must explore.
" 'Tis Murphy, and nothing more."

Over then I grabbed the pillow, when, with many a blur and billow,
I then spied a frightened puppy, that I left upon the floor.
Not the least commotion made he; next to me he stopped and stayed he;
But with the weary eyes of comfort, laid where he never had before.
Lying on our comfy quilt, happy to be off the floor,
Stretched his legs, content galore.

Then this golden dog beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the sweet, loving disposition of the huge smile he wore,
"Though thy gravity is empowered thou," I said, "art sure no coward,
Beautiful, big, and dashing do, wandering from the bedroom floor.
Tell me what can make you happy as before."
Quoth the Golden, "Pet me more."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I miss that big lug.

Can You Find The White Glove?

This tickles me so much.



Find out how they did it here.

On Request...

Because some people asked to see what I was talking about earlier... here ya go.

Damn You, Rick Astley!

I got RickRolled last night by a friend.

The bastard.

For those of you unfamiliar with what that is, click here.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

So all this morning that damn song was stuck in my head. And it didn't help that I have to work in Excel all day.

So before I knew it I made a new worksheet...




Sometimes my geekiness scares even me.

Silly Rabbit, Gifts Are For Kids

So on that "other" secular holiday last Sunday, I was watching my nephew and niece play with all the nifty little gifts the easter bunny brought. Somehow Santa is now outsourcing to the Easter Bunny, because I don't ever remember getting presents on Easter. That is, except for the hard-boiled eggs hidden in the grass we found a week later, mostly by smell.

But yeah, the Easter Bunny cometh, even autographing the letters that L's spawn left for him. And before you ask how I know the gender, it's because my niece, Princess 'Toria asked him. See for yourself. (click on image for full size)


In case you can't read it, down at the bottom it says, "I wonder what? you are, boy or girl?"

And that lazy rabbit just circled "boy." Guess it's best, because it probably wouldn't be prudent to write, "I have testicles" to a kid.

(And btw, I want to point out the AWESOME dragon Connorman drew on his. That's the thing on the right. It IS really kickass IMO)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, back to the presents.


One of the things they each got was a Playdoh Make'N'Display kit. Great concept, if you ask me.

But the funny part, which caused both my sister and I to shoot wine out our respective noses, was the label on the back of each one...

Yeah.

That was sort of our reaction too.

Funniest of all, we just shrugged at one another and said, "Well, it IS non-toxic."

So kiddos, go ahead and chow down. Just make sure to ask your Mommy first if you have any food allergies.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day

Heading over to my sister's for that (other) secular holiday. Talk you soon!

Dog Rescued After Four Months Stranded in Desert

In my email today (Thanks G!)



Dog Rescued After Four Months Stranded in Desert
14/03/2008

One day in December, train conductor Ken VanMoorhem was on his usual route, rolling through the desolate desert of western Utah, when he spotted a small figure limping along the sand.

"It was a real fleeting glimpse of a dog out in the middle of nowhere," he told The Associated Press.

He would have stopped the train in its tracks to rescue the injured animal if he could, but it was impossible. So VanMoorhem kept a close lookout each time he took that same route, always hoping he might catch a glimpse of her – but he didn't spot the dog again until nearly two months later.

This time, she was hiding in a tunnel in Nevada. Once again, VanMoorhem couldn't stop the train, but he decided to send for help as quickly as he could. "I basically gambled that she would stay there where she had shelter," he said. He called upon a fellow conductor, Theo Bassett, to drive to the location where he'd spotted her.

"She let Theo pick her up," VanMoorhem said. "As soon as she got back to the truck, she devoured his ham sandwich and slept under his feet on the drive back."

The dog, a Blue Heeler mix, had been through a lot during her time in the desert: After getting caught in a trap, she'd been forced to chew off her front paw to get free. She'd also been hit by a vehicle, and had suffered several broken bones and a collapsed lung. She was extremely emaciated, too: A vet estimated that she'd been stranded in the desert for months, staying alive by eating animal carcasses she came across.

"Her will to live and survive for at least four months are amazing," VanMoorhem said. "There's no water out there. Snow melt is basically the only water that was out there."

But despite her injuries and the hardships she had endured, the dog, whom VanMoorhem named Hogan after the tunnel where he found her, was full of energy. As soon as he let her out into the backyard, she was bouncing around with VanMoorhem's other dog, eager to play.

And, within just a few hours, said VanMoorhem, "she had staked her claim on the couch and nuzzled her head against us."

Buzzing With Excitement

I get a call from my friend Lillith on Tuesday.

She:"What're you doing tomorrow?"
Me:"Was planning on overthrowing the government, but other than that, nothin. What's up?"
She:"Wanna take a field trip with me?"
Me:"Sure. Need a wing man?"
She:"Nope, I need to go buy something, and thought it'd be fun if you came along."
Me:"No prob. What are we buying?"
She:"A vibrator. Mine broke. We can have dinner first."
Me:"..."
Me:"Sure. Why the hell not?"

Now, for clarification, she didn't NEED me to come. She's not the type of person that would be embarrassed to go alone, and I have no problem with checking out "girl stuff," no matter how graphic it may be. But she's a hoot, so I thought it'd be fun. I did tell her however that if she starts sizing latex fists, I was out of there. She said she had an adequate collection already, so we were good.

Man, she cracks me up.

I was a little worried though when she walked in and went DIRECTLY to the one she wanted, considering there were three aisles of electronic goodies for the ladies. I asked her how often she comes here and she said just when her vibe breaks. Apparently she's gone through three of those bad boys, and needs a 12-step program.

anyway, she got one with...

a...

remote.

Yeah. For the lazy sex-crazed women, I imagine. Oh, I TOTALLY have new fodder for making fun of her now.

We then spent the next 20 minutes browsing. My favorite items were the fetish ones, like the "completely lifelike" tranny sex doll (that's right, inflatable pre-op), the various bondage equipment, the feather-on-a-stick that they were selling for $19.99, and a latex foot. Ya heard me (Looked around size 11, FTR).

Other items of interest:

• The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex 2 (DVD)- To take care of all of those unanswered questions from the first one?
• Oral sex mints- According to the tin, to be used during oral sex, although after might not be a bad idea either. Sometimes.
  
• Flavored lubricants- Not weird in itself, but some of the flavors were (Looking at you, Key Lime).
• A vibrator that had several prongs and additions that was obviously for a woman that had at least two additional body parts. Or maybe I missed the memo.
  

Lil also said something I have NEVER heard uttered by any friend before. Especially with a wink. "Really? You never used a cock ring? You really should." What the hell do you say to that? Especially since she knows I'm not "intimate" with anyone right now.

My real low point of the evening was when we were perusing what was apparently the male genitalia aisle. I didn't compare myself to the latex giants we saw...

Until...

Lil started describing her ex's "member." "It was sort of like that," she would mention, pointing to what at best would be described as a cannon, "but about that length and is sort of shaped like that one," as she pointed out in turn circus-freak proportioned mounds of pink rubber.

I want to reiterate, Lil is a friend. No jealousy or romance here. Also, I have no problems with my goods, so to speak. But DAMN. No wonder she's single. Who could ever "measure up," to pardon the pun? And she does have a gift for making me feel inadequate. Or perhaps she's doing a pre-emptive strike on all the jokes I WILL make at her expense.

Anyway, done with browsing and her new major appliance in hand, we proceeded to checkout. Surprisingly, the girl checking us out took the remote out of the package, and inserted batteries to test it. It's funny how with all the electronics I buy, it's in a store like this that they actually make sure the devices work. She inserted the batteries (6 of them) and flipped the switch.

...

Damn.

It had 3 speeds, which she tried them all: Low, medium, and Who-needs-a-man. Seriously. I wish my orbital sander had that kind of power. Holding it in my hand on medium, I think I found religion.

And Lil, speaking as a friend, cut down on the power. It'll motivate you more to find a boyfriend.

Tendering My Resignation

In my email today. Thanks B!

Subject: Resignation

To whom it may concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

* I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.
* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.
* I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
* I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.
* I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
* I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill cause it's prettier and weighs more.
* I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.
* I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.
* I want to think the world is fair.
* I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
* I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
* I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
* I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.


So......here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my 401K statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments too, my e-mail address pager,cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,

"Tag!"...
"You're it!"

Why Didn't I Think Of That?

While I was waiting for my prescriptions to be filled, I meandered around the pharmacy looking at random "As Seen On TV" stuff, and I came across something wonderful.

(SIDE NOTE: I used to collect Pez, but haven't in a while as it can get pretty pricey. But C'MON! I HAD to get this.)