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Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

Genius... pure genius. Bra-friggin-vo to the author.

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Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?


We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many citizens of the Empire, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.


Uncomfortable Questions about the Death Star Attack

The cover of Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack


1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?






6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womprats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

8) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?

I'm Back!!!

ChaCha and I had a long, albeit intense conversation yesterday (almost to the point of Jerry Springer-esque "conversation"). Three hours later, we realized why I was taking it so hard. I had misinterpreted what she was saying. Or not saying. Or assumed incorrectly. Pick one.

Yeah. THREE HOURS. We were arguing back and forth, probably the first real argument we ever had. We were both on the verge of saying things we were going to regret. Then in a moment of clarity (almost simultaneously) we realized that I misconstrued what she was saying, because she assumed something, I assumed something else, and it got blown WAY out of proportion.

We're still not going to be seeing each other romantically. Is it permanent? Who knows. Maybe, maybe not. The point is that the "why" behind an action is infinitely more important than the action itself. Write that down. It'll come in handy later on. We were so used to being open and honest about everything that when we weren't (for that split second), the world exploded. And I shouldn't be held responsible for Mutually Assured Destruction of the planet.

Herein endeth the lesson. This will be on the final.

Now I'll go back to being irreverent and crazy-sexy.

Impossibilities

Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen.

Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll

On Temporary Hiatus

ChaCha and I are no longer seeing each other romantically.

I will be taking a couple of days/weeks off to get together my thoughts & feelings. Then I'll be back with my mindless ramblings.

Who will be defeated?

I few weeks ago I posted a motivational website I found called youaremighty (link here). I still watch it every morning.

But what if someone/something is getting you down? Well, there is one for that too. Just put in the name of the person, group, or thing where the [***] are in your browser:

[***].willbedefeated.com (e.g. carebears.willbedefeated.com)

And be ready to take them on!

Good Morning

It's 6am, and I'm awake. I was jostled awake by hearing my phone's messaging alert from the office.

In another room.

Let me say that again.

My phone chimed from the other room.

And it woke me up.

I'm a guy that takes two alarms to wake up in the morning, and yet I very regularly still wake up at 8 with the panicked "Oh Shit" moment. But my phone woke me up. hmmph.

My skill in geekiness has just been raised to 285.

It wasn't anything big. Just a picture from ChaCha sent yesterday afternoon/evening. For some reason lately it takes forever for us to receive pics. But now I'm awake, my coffee's brewing, and it's the start of a brand new day.

Computer Blues

I forgot to mention my newly-built computer did not blow up, catch fire, or have a severe core meltdown and contaminate most of central Texas when I hit the power button yesterday. In fact, it didn't do much of anything. Turns out the CPU was DOA. I talked with NewEgg, and I should have another one on Monday.

THEN we'll have the flames, the smoke, the nuclear winter...

Bearing of the Pall

The funeral was today.

Coming from a small country community where you're related to everyone, you develop an almost whimsical view of death. Growing up, it seemed that every weekend we either had a wedding or a funeral to go to. On some occasions both, which makes it easier since you're already dressed for the second one, and you don't have to leave the church. Today was no different. In fact, while we were at the graveside they were decorating for a wedding to follow shortly after. I swear I'm not making that up. I helped move out some of the "Rest in Peace" flowers to make way for wedding "Bless this union" arrangements. In hindsight I probably should have left them there. They would be more appropriate.

So I've been to a lot of funerals. It makes you realize that this is the only time I get to see any of my relatives. Gone is the day that everyone got together for holidays, barbecues, etc. I think
that we've come to that place in society that 3 generations are all we're able to handle. I'm the same way. With only a few noteable exceptions, the only family I really see are my parental units and siblings. Don't get me wrong, I love my extended family, but after spending a few hours with them, I realize what made me move 100 miles away.

Another thing I learned was: 92 degrees+Wool suit+carrying a large metal box with someone inside=sweat. It wasn't too bad. Luckily I brought clothes to change into after, but the bathrooms are outside and in an un-air conditioned, unventilated building that was built in the early 60's with 3,000 watt light bulbs dangling from arcing wires. I think I sweated more changing into said clothes than I did in my suit.

The best part came after, when I got to see all of the extended family, second cousins, great aunts, third cousins twice removed, my mother's third cousin's uncle, you get the idea. It's funny getting the "My how you've grown" comments when you're in your mid-thirties. I eventually started telling them that it was because of steroids, and that my goal is to reach 9'3" and 864 lbs by Christmas.

SIDE NOTE: The 'tee turned out to be a big hit with the more elderly ladies, to which I now seem to have a gaggle of septuagenarian groupies. One actually called me a "hunk."

I suppose I'll take the adoration wherever I can get it.

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train..

In my email today (Thanks Ric!)

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train..

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the person who won’t leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then hit this link





(This is a joke. This is only a joke. The Bloggers in your area in conjunction with no state or local governments have devised this joke to warn you in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed to relax and have a drink.)