Waiting for Coffee: To Our Blissful Married Friends & Family...

Open letter from us, the single people of the world to our married friends and family:

We know you love us, and wish we had your blissful life of daily fights, arguments about such weighty subjects as who last took out the recycling, and obligations with the in-laws. But remember the rules are different when dealing with us.

It's probably been a while since you dealt with the single life, so here's a quick rundown...
(thanks to all my single friends who helped me out on this one)

♦ Don't pity us. For the most part we're quite happy coming home to a drama-free existence and our life is not ruined because we're alone.
♦ Don't treat us as if marriage is an eventuality. Some of us working as hard to avoid marriage as you are to endure yours.
♦ Friends, don't try to set us up unless asked. Family, just don't.
♦ When talking about kids, don't remind us of our age and our biological clock. We know how old we are.
♦ Your pet names for each other might be cute, but if they're not around, there is absolutely no reason to use those. Ever. And even when they ARE around, they should only be used when addressing one another.
♦ In that aspect, when together NEVER refer to the other (or you two together) in the third person. We'll smack you.
♦ We should be automatically exempt from showers, weddings and the like unless there's an open bar and a good population of single members of the opposite sex. The gift is kinda like a cover charge. (exception: bachelor parties)
♦ Speaking of gifts, it's insulting to us when we receive a gift "From the Smiths." Can we give a gift "To the Smiths" without looking like a tightass? Of course not.
♦ Don't take it personally when we don't attend some gathering. The onslaught of the talking about married life, little Jimmy's soccer games and Susan's orthodontic work is more annoying than you can imagine.
♦ If you come out with us minus the spouse, there is no reason to check in before you do anything. We're not going to pick up some hookers and knock over a liquor store. If you have to check in when you're heading to the bathroom, stay at home.
♦ Have your own email. You're not one entity.
♦ On that same note, "WE" should not be used when talking about opinion. "WE love the sushi at Yuan's," "WE don't like her hairstyle," "WE think the government should..." etc make no sense.
♦ Yes, most of us wouldn't mind sitting for you. But don't call at the last minute assuming we have no plans because we're not seeing somebody.
♦ Regardless of what you say, it's more expensive to be single. Period.
♦ Another reason we don't spend time traveling to visit is the couch. We hate sleeping on it. Couples seem to automatically get VIP status and the king-size.
♦ Yes, we get bitter around the holidays. You would too when every piece of mail you get is a sappy card with cutesy family photos. Any wonder why we vanish for long stretches?
♦ Don't live vicariously through us. It's sad.
♦ Yes we are happy for you. We're not going to remind you every five minutes.
♦ DO talk to us about music, movies, politics, sports, whatever. Our interests are pretty global.
♦ Don't exclude us from your life just because we'd make it odd-numbered.
♦ Our singularity is not a failure.