Sweetest. Dog. Ever.

I cried.

Clicky

(And yes, I'm coming back)

The Hitchhiker

Story time.

Driving back from yet another business trip yesterday, I stopped in a little town to fuel up and grab some lunch. Like most small towns in Texas, pickings were slim for grub; but sure enough, there was a DQ.

There's always a DQ.

While waiting for the receipt, a fly decided that the air-conditioned interior of the truck was more suited to his lifestyle than the 105° weather, and he flew in and made himself at home. I opened both windows and tried the obligatory shoo, and the fly disappeared. I assumed he was gone and headed back on the road, munching on french fries and settled in for the three-hour drive back home.

About twenty minutes later Jack (what I decided to call the fly) rested himself on the volume knob on the stereo. I opened both windows again, did quite a bit of flailing and shooing, but Jack was more adamant than I and stayed inside, determined to ride with me as far as the road will take him.

At this point I started to feel bad for him. How much does a fly know? When he finally exits he will have no concept of where he is. What if he has a little fly wife and fly kids, with a little fly minivan and a fly house in the fly suburbs. I don't know much about flies, but I don't think they were designed for two-hundred mile trips.

Even the times I had my window rolled down to have a cigarette (yes, I'm smoking again. Sue me) were not enticing enough to Jack. He was content.

So we spent the next few hours having a surreal, silent, love-hate relationship.

Pulling into a convenience store just a mile or so from my house, I left the windows open to let him go start his life anew; A "Fly in the City" type thing.

I grabbed a drink and came out again, only to find Jack sitting on the edge of the open window. He moved only briefly to let me open the door, and after circling twice, came to rest on the passenger seat.

I drove home, sad. After unloading my luggage, I went to go get the pooch and still he wouldn't leave.

So resting in at home after the trip, I left the window cracked overnight.

Jack wasn't there in the morning.

Godspeed to you, little guy. Hope you find your place in this new world.

Promises REDUX

I was thumbing around some old files and came across this. It's just as poignant now as it was when I posted it a year and a half ago.



PROMISES

Promises are very important to me. Normally I wake up every morning and instead of goals for the day, I make a list of promises. There's power in that. You make a commitment to yourself. It's the difference between "I want to" and "I must."

As I was looking at my promises for today, I came to the conclusion that they were small and insignificant in my life. The "pay bills," "work on my business plan" stuff is nothing. So I sat down and wrote another set.


To my family:

I PROMISE...

* to thank you for helping me be the person I am today.
* to return the love and support you have given me.
* to forgive the things that hurt me.
* to recognize the wonderful things about you I see in me.
* to hug you often.
* to make you proud.
* to make you an important part of my life.


To my friends:

I PROMISE...

* to not lose touch.
* to appreciate the time we share together.
* to make time for you.
* to be there when you need me.
* to not be there when you don't.
* to make you laugh when you need it most.
* to be your shoulder when you need it most.
* to be the one you can always count on.
* to not judge you for being who you are.


To my future Love:

I PROMISE...

* to hold your hand.
* to always kiss you goodnight.
* to always kiss you goodbye.
* to make you feel loved.
* to forgive you when you hurt me.
* to apologize when I hurt you.
* to cherish the moments we share.
* to Love you completely, without compromise.
* to remind you how important you are to me.


To my future children:

I PROMISE...

* to help you experience new things.
* to play when possible.
* to support and encourage your dreams.
* to say yes when needed.
* to say no when needed.
* to help you love to learn.
* to look through your eyes in wonder.
* to tuck you in at night.
* to listen to what you have to say.
* to teach you to give.
* to be a role model.


To myself:

I PROMISE...

* to laugh often.
* to make every day more exceptional than the last.
* to Love as if I've never been hurt before.
* to leave the world better than I found it.
* to make a difference.
* to question.
* to learn something about everything.
* to learn everything about something.
* to learn something new each day.
* to live with passion.
* to remember those who matter most.
* to remember the things that matter.
* to forget things that don't.
* to Love unconditionally.
* to forgive constantly.

* to keep my promises.

Irony

I was at work in a meeting, when the agent I was working with needed to use the facilities. As I normally do, I hit the stumble button a few times.

And I got this...


Irony in action.

SMEEEE!

'nuff said

Let the Zombie Apocalypse Begin!

I would've never thought the Zombie Apocalypse would start in Britain, but then again...




Read the full article here.

"There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in London due to mutation of the H1N1 virus into new strain: H1Z1.

Similar to a scare originally found in Cambodia back in 2005, victims of a new strain of the swine flu virus H1N1 have been reported in London.

After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it’s victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”"

Time to dust off the machete and crowbar.

(Of course this is a hoax, but to the peeps that did it... well done. You win the internet.)

Most Random Thief Ever

I was robbed.

My truck was broken into last night. More accurately someone opened the door and felt free to rifle through my belongings.

To be fair, I normally don't lock my truck. I rarely carry anything of value in it other than mail, so it's not a priority. And if someone wants to steal my identity, they can have it, provided they don't mind having their credit slashed in half.

It happened between 1-6am. I've been working late so I didn't even get home until 12:45.

So this morning I overslept, and knew something was awry when I slid in the seat. The receipts I keep for work in the dash were strewn about. Opening the center console, it was apparent that the contents have been rummaged through, and on closer examination so has everything else, except oddly the glove compartment. As many people that travel a lot for work I have a lot of papers/mail/oddities strewn about.

Yes, I feel violated.
But the weird part were the items that were taken.

I quickly did a search for the items that did have a residual value, and they were all there.

Checkbook?... check
Insurance papers? ... check
Approximately $1.47 in change, and a small pile of miscellaneous foreign coinage? ... check

Even my old wedding ring which I had there for the last 3 years was still there.



So what was taken you ask?

So far I've noticed the following missing:

-A case of bottled water
-A half-used bottle of cologne (Lagerfeld Classic, if anyone feels like replacing that for me)
-One of my Netflix movies (Casablanca)
-A bunny Pez dispenser

And the icing on the cake,

-A book of 18th century Irish poetry.


It's like a list of things from a scavenger hunt.


So if you see a shifty-looking character walking around North Austin carrying a random assortment of things and drinking a bottled water, ask him for my pez dispenser.

Don't Make Me Choose

A friend shot me a link to the "Are you addicted to bacon" online quiz over at RecipeStar.

It made me chuckle, so I ran through it. Everything was going fine until I hit this question:


Next thing I knew I was curled up in a fetal position, whimpering softly.

Flame War

Haven't posted anything funny in a while, so check this out.

Obviously Photoshopped.

To Our Blissful Married Friends & Family...

Open letter from us, the single people of the world to our married friends and family:


We know you love us, and wish we had your blissful life of daily fights, arguments about such weighty subjects as who last took out the recycling, and obligations with the in-laws. But remember the rules are different when dealing with us.

It's probably been a while since you dealt with the single life, so here's a quick rundown...
(thanks to all my single friends who helped me out on this one)

• ♦ Don't pity us. For the most part we're quite happy coming home to a drama-free existence and our life is not ruined because we're alone.
• ♦ Don't treat us as if marriage is an eventuality. Some of us working as hard to avoid marriage as you are to endure yours.
• ♦ Friends, don't try to set us up unless asked. Family, just don't.
• ♦ When talking about kids, don't remind us of our age and our biological clock. We know how old we are.
  
• ♦ Your pet names for each other might be cute, but if they're not around, there is absolutely no reason to use those. Ever. And even when they ARE around, they should only be used when addressing one another.
• ♦ In that aspect, when together NEVER refer to the other (or you two together) in the third person. We'll smack you.
• ♦ We should be automatically exempt from showers, weddings and the like unless there's an open bar and a good population of single members of the opposite sex. The gift is kinda like a cover charge. (exception: bachelor parties)
• ♦ Speaking of gifts, it's insulting to us when we receive a gift "From the Smiths." Can we give a gift "To the Smiths" without looking like a tightass? Of course not.
  
• ♦ Don't take it personally when we don't attend some gathering. The onslaught of the talking about married life, little Jimmy's soccer games and Susan's orthodontic work is more annoying than you can imagine.
• ♦ If you come out with us minus the spouse, there is no reason to check in before you do anything. We're not going to pick up some hookers and knock over a liquor store. If you have to check in when you're heading to the bathroom, stay at home.
  
• ♦ Have your own email. You're not one entity.
  
• ♦ On that same note, "WE" should not be used when talking about opinion. "WE love the sushi at Yuan's," "WE don't like her hairstyle," "WE think the government should..." etc make no sense.
• ♦ Yes, most of us wouldn't mind sitting for you. But don't call at the last minute assuming we have no plans because we're not seeing somebody.
• ♦ Regardless of what you say, it's more expensive to be single. Period.
  
• ♦ Another reason we don't spend time traveling to visit is the couch. We hate sleeping on it. Couples seem to automatically get VIP status and the king-size.
  
• ♦ Yes, we get bitter around the holidays. You would too when every piece of mail you get is a sappy card with cutesy family photos. Any wonder why we vanish for long stretches?
• ♦ Don't live vicariously through us. It's sad.
• ♦ Yes we are happy for you. We're not going to remind you every five minutes.
• ♦ DO talk to us about music, movies, politics, sports, whatever. Our interests are pretty global.
  
• ♦ Don't exclude us from your life just because we'd make it odd-numbered.
• ♦ Our singularity is not a failure.

We love you guys, and want to spend more time with you. Don't make it too difficult for us.