One Does Not Equal Three

Going to bed before I think about this too much.

I Am Mighty!

Found this a while back, and I run it every morning with the volume turned up all the way...

It's cheesy, but it helps on those "off days."

In your browser address bar, type [your name].youaremighty.com

Survival of the Fittest M&M

In my email today. (Thanks, D!)


(from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands)

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a
species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I
have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive
long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern
candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost
invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare
occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the
species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat
this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it
to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use
this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon
for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this
"grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand
tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the
True Champion.

There can be only one.

Worst. Movies. Ever.

I am SO renting all of these...

In my email today

Wow! I must be pretty important and a shrewd person for all of these business opportunities to come to me out of the blue.

• My "PARTNERSHIP IS URGENTLY NEEDED" to claim $18.5 million by pretending to be a next of kin to a national of my country in a "clear and legitimate aggreement." How could I possibly pass that up?
• Someone decided to send me a message just to inform me that "penis size does matter", plus a link to some website. Good to know. I'm a little busy, but I'll check it later.
• Another told me that I can have a guaranteed Platinum MasterCard!! with no credit checks! 100% approved! Credit limit up to $2500! How can I possibly ignore all of those exclamation points?
• Wow! Another business opportunity, by a born-again Christian no less! No Christian that devout will ever lead me astray. She must be sincere, because in the email she mentions God 8 times, Jesus 5 times, and Lord 6 times. Plus, she doesn't want her money to be used by unbelievers, as she will soon be "in the bosom of the Lord." I would help her, but it's only $3.5 million. Chump change compared to the first one.
• What a deal! Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended for only $99.95!
• To hell with those business propositions... I won a lottery! An organization in The Netherlands pulled my email out of a digital hat and is awarding me 2.4 million Euros. Hang on, while I tell my boss I quit...
• Photoshop again... Must be a helluva deal to send me another notice.
• Also apparently I can buy ED (Erectile Dysfunction) pills cheapest on the net! Wonder who they've been talking to...
• V1@GR@!! C1@L1S!! LEV1TR@!! All typing errors aside, I'm starting to see a trend here. Really... Who have they been talking to?
• They REALLY want me to buy that Photoshop... (And now it's $89.95)
• I'm starting to get nervous with all the ED messages... It only happened once! I was nervous! And drunk! And tired!
• Ok, I get it. $89.95 is an awesome price for Photoshop. I haven't forgotten.
• Man, a lot of millionaires sure die without next-of-kins (nexts-of-kin??). This one is an Iraqi General that died in Baghdad. $24.5 million! NOW WE'RE TALKING! Still can't figure out why the money would go to the Hong Kong government if not claimed.
• The BMW International Awareness Program apparently pulled my email from a database and I won 550,000 Euros and a BMW 5 series!! Drinks are on me!
• Uh, oh. Looks like my Bank of America account has been compromised. I'll be back after I fill out this form to confirm my identity. I need to grab my credit card number, Social Security number, and all sorts of other information they need. I don't even remember ever having a BoA account...

So by my calculations, plus conversion fees, I can apparently purchase 568,649 copies of Photoshop. Not bad for one day.

My Own Karmic Cleansing

Here are some things in my life nobody ever found out about, and I need room for all the new good energy flowing into my life.

• When I was 13, a friend of mine named Adam wrote an incredible song. I showed it to everyone else and said it was mine.
• To Jennifer: At that party on the lake in '88 I kissed Sandra after you left.
• When I was 14ish I stole a Playboy from the Dad of a friend and let him take the blame. (NOTE TO DADS: Don't leave it it the john)
• I lied on my resume to get the job at Dell.
• To my freshman French teacher: I was the one that put the sign on your back. You really didn't deserve it.
  
• To Chris: I was the one that started that rumor. (You know which one.)
• Cal, she left you for me. I know how much you liked her. More than I did or ever could.
• My entire philosophy term paper was plagiarized. All of it. I made up the sources so you'd never find out.
  
• To Becky: I had a really good time taking you out in High School, and I'm a jerk for never ever telling you that. Or calling.

/sigh

That's just the tip of the iceberg.


But now I can at least leave those bags behind.



Feel free to post your confessions as well. It's a good feeling.
Or for more anonymity, you can send them to http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Mercedes 320 this morning

To the driver in the white Mercedes 320 this morning that cut off me and several other drivers, sped across 3 lanes, while talking on your cell phone and generally made an ass of yourself...

When I saw the cop turn on his lights and pull you over, I almost choked on my coffee laughing at you.

Because of you...

While walking in the open air
Sunshine softly on my face,
I thought I heard your name
Drifting upon the warm breeze.

I turned to find
only a mockingbird
cocking his head to assess me.

I see your face
Upon the clouds
And in the reflections
Of windows as I pass
Standing beside me
Your cheek resting on my shoulder.

Remembering your touch
Your caress, your breath
Lifts me, fuels me
transforms me.

Because of you
I am who I am.

Because of you
Anything is possible.

Because of you,
I believe in Love.


Because of you.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear

Mother's Day.

Sure, it's a created holiday to boost sales during a holiday gap, but I still want to celebrate. Or at least take my Mommy out.

I haven't decided yet what to get her. I don't want to go overboard to try to impress, like normal. I've come to the conclusion that my folks will see me the way they see me, regardless of my actions. They love me in their own way. And I love them.

Clock's ticking on the gift... Any ideas? I was thinking of swinging by James' place.

The Goatee Saga III: Goatee in da Hood

I have product.

Guess I'll stick with it for a while. It started to get a bit scraggly so I went out and bought a beard & moustache trimmer With Bonus Ear & Nose Attachment! (Half the packaging made sure to point that out).

So it's now shaped and growing in nicely, albiet slow. The gray in it has gotten positive reviews as well.

Funny part is how different I look. Before I was this [very] white guy, who looked sweet and could be trusted to deliver puppies to orphaned homeless babies. Now I kinda look like a badass. I guess you could call it a Clark Kent situation.

Funny.

I didn't even notice it myownself until it was pointed out to me.

So far I've been told I look like Tony Robbins, Dean Cain, and Antonio Banderas. Does anyone remember Antonio EVER wearing one? Me either. But it did bring up an interesting point. I look ethnic. Anyone that knows me can vouch for the fact that I look like a generic white guy. But with the 'tee I could quite possibly pass for a more "ethnic" group: Italian, Spanish, or Irish come to mind. (FTR, I'm Polish).

Hmm... Now to figure out a way to use this to take over the world..


MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....