Inspected by No. 37

I needed to get my truck inspected, as any respectable, conscientious citizen would. Also I got a ticket the last time I went out of town on business.

In all fairness, I was guilty as sin. The new girl at the office and I went to lunch, and on the way back to the board meeting, I saw the lights. Those pretty red and blue flashing lights, surrounding the 15,000,000-lumen strobe headlights that all police cars seem to have now, (used between rave gigs). I obediently pulled into a parking lot, so the officer can write me my ticket without being hit by all the uninsured, unlicensed drivers speeding by on their cell phones, reaching in the back seat to smack their hookers for letting the pit bull spill cocaine all over their machine guns.

Not that I'm bitter.

It was never an issue on passing inspection. I take pretty good care of it, as much as I depend on it for work. Plus I still owe a metric assload of money on it.

So I took off to the local corporate soulless mega-chain lube center, insurance, impatience and $28.34 in tow. The wait was only about 30 min, so I went to lunch, came back ready to drive off without avoiding cops any more. A toothless mechanic with a limp (I'm not making that up) got out and said, as professionally as he could, "There's a problem."

Here in Texas we have mandatory emissions testing as part of the inspection. In the past, they would stick a probe up your tailpipe (yeah, I giggled too). A veritable automotive colonoscopy. My truck failed the emissions test but not because of the actual emissions. It failed because my truck couldn't tell them that it passed. Read that again. Apparently any vehicle made after 1997 can only pass emissions testing if they can hook their iPhone into it and have a productive IM session. But in this case, my truck was using Yahoo! Messenger, where the shop was on a commodore 64. In other words, it was giving their scanner the blue screen of death. But were not allowed to do the auto anal probing. Let's review...

Legally, I'm not allowed to operate a car in Texas unless a mechanic licensed by Texas tells the state that it's safe. However, the mechanic can't tell the state it's safe unless the car tells the mechanic itself it is safe.

Makes perfect sense.

They apparently didn't have the expertise to diagnose the issue, so they sent me in the direction of a couple of different repair shops. I did exactly what any sane person would do, namely pull over and call my ringer, T from work, the perennial "car guy."

"They said my OBD (On-Board Display) might have a short."
"What?"
"According to them, the connector probably need to be replaced."
"That doesn't happen. They're blowing smoke up your ass."
"Thanks."

On his advice, I took it to an Auto Zone, and had them use their scanner. Sure enough, it wasn't connecting. The guy there suggested it might just be a blown fuse. Pliers in hand, we started pulling fuses. And found it. At 15A, to be exact. We replaced it, and sure enough, the scanner and my truck were soon chatting like old cellmates.

And what was the fuse for, you ask?

The cigarette lighter.

I shit you not.

It's the equivalent of having laryngitis due to an ingrown toenail.

With the onboard computer now talking like a meth-addled auctioneer, I run back to the Lubes"Я"Us. And guess what?

Failed again.

Apparently, when we replaced the fuse, it essentially cleared the RAM of the OBD. So they told me to come back after I drive it for about 150 miles, when the computer can reset its settings.

And I need to get my inspection done by Friday.

Got a lot of driving to do.

Santa Clauz in the Hizzy!

My phone rings yesterday afternoon. Normally I don't answer if I don't recognize the number, but it was from a local number and I was already looking for an excuse to stop talking with a coworker.

*[insert random annoying ringtone here]*
Me: "Hello?"
They: "Santa?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
They: "Yes. Is this Santa?"
Me: "Not that I'm aware of. Can I help you with something?"
They: "I'm sorry. You were listed as a reference for Robert XXXXXX at this number."
Me: "Nope. Sorry, don't know him. But I can tell you he's been a very naughty boy."
They: "Ok, I'll list the number as 'invalid. Have a nice day."
Me: "Merry Christmas."

I stared at the phone for a bit.

The things that amazed me about this call:

1. that someone actually listed Santa as a reference
2. that a company would still call to check on it
3. that Santa lives in Central Texas
4. that they actually found me

I mean, what gave it away?

Ho.

MIA

I've been asked so much these past few months where I've been, what's going on in B's universe, why haven't I been writing, etc.

Answers in short:
-Been here
-A lot
-I have been. sorta.

To clarify that last one... yes, I do mean blog posts. and journal entries. and and and.

But I haven't published. Currently I have 27 drafts going. So here's what goes on in my world...

I have a I know it'd be a great post, so I start on it. I'm trucking along before I lose steam at some point, or get distracted, or get busy. Regardless, the draft will be 90% done, and I can never get back into it enough to just whip it out and move on. So then, I'll have another story, an idea, a theorem, random ramblings. Same thing will happen. Then I'll have another one, which I'll actually finish, but it necessitates knowing something from a prior post (sitting in a draft), So I can't publish until I finish that one... So that's whay I have 27 drafts and no posts for the last few months.

My plan for vaca was that I woulds finish all the posts and publish them at once, so everyone can catch up. Obviously that didn't happen.

So instead of people being lost for a few days, I end up not posting at all.

Really, this is how my mind works.

I'll still try to whip those out, but in the meantime I'll be here NOT procrastinating.

December 3rd

Although it kills me, Lil, I'm going to take your advice.

Kinda.


It's ChaCha's birthday today, and it's been tearing me up trying to not acknowledge it. It's the first time since we've met that I've been persona non grata for it.

I had a few ideas on doing something nice, between making her something, sending her a quick text, or like what I did last year (donate toys to Toys For Tots in her name) but I think I'll let it go. It's a shame, really. I Loved all the messages and good wishes sent to me on my day.

So instead, what I WILL do is bundle up all the good wishes, happy birthdays, happy thoughts, Love and affection, and set it adrift on the wind.

I hope they find their way to you.

Happy birthday.

Muchos Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaacias

I wish my family the best Thanksgiving ever.

That's right, we're not spending it together. Or at least they are.

My sisters normally (well, normally the eldest one) throw together a shindig, with the turkey, cranberries and all the typical accessories that come forthwith. This year a friend of hers is putting one together, and we're all invited.

I'm not going.

I want to. I know them, my sistas will be there, my folks, plenty of pooches, gobs of food, wine, women and song.

Problem is, because of the way the thing's arranged, plus stuff going on here, and and and, I'd have to come back that night. I figure it'd be about a 5 1/2 hr each way, and 11 hours on the road is a lot of driving for one day, especially when you enter in all the food, alcohol, etc.

But don't worry, there is a plan.

Spending it with Lil and her fam. Primarily to deflect the drama going on with them. But regardless, I'll be spending it with someone I care about.

Good times.

And Thanks.


Thanks to my family, My sisters who never judged me even when I screwed up (once or twice) and Loved me just the same.

Thanks to my folks for too many reasons to list here. Just know I Love you, and I appreciate all you've given me.

Thanks to Lillith, for always being there to point out when I'm being a douchebag, to criticize me every chance she gets, and to make me a better person for having known her.

Thanks to my company (I know, right??) for finally realizing that I deserve this promotion.

Thanks to the US for finally coming to her senses.

In the past year I would also like to thank Fred, Berry, Miss Divine, Mariah, ChaCha, 'Stache, Guido, Yahtzee, Jean, Wrigley, Murphy, Jesus M, and Father Fab for all their Love, patience, and everything else they've given me in the past year.

Love you all.

Tenacious B, You Have a Match!

I've been signed up on a certain dating site for a while. There are a few possibles, but the bar is raised pretty high.

Anyway, after answering the same questions over and over I've started to get bored with the same answers and actually send my kneejerk responses. Funny thing is, I get more of a response when I'm being my normal smartass self.

So, here's a list of answers I've actually sent (all E) and gotten responses...

When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

A) I don't have a great need for "personal space". I like lots of together time.
B) I find my time spent working is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner.
C) As long as I can get one night a week to myself, my personal space needs are met.
D) When I'm with my partner I'm completely there, but I do need considerable time for personal reflection.

E) 2.67431 cubic meters (at sea level).
E) When I'm not battling space ninjas for the fate of the Earth, I enjoy spending time and sharing with who I'm with.

Which of the following things would you rather have lots of?

A) respect
B) money
C) fame
D) power

E) sheep.
E) minions
E) tacos

If you had to characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships, they would be described as:

A) pleasant as breaking up can be, with both people feeling it was the best decision
B) sad, with one partner being hurt and feeling betrayed
C) very dramatic, with lots of hurtful accusations
D) angry, with lots of feelings of disappointment

E) With blood.
E) Minor, since they never found the bodies

How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

A) I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
B) With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.
C) I'm still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.
D) It's hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

E) I am open and honest to a fault. Try to not ask me if your ass looks fat in those jeans.
E) I will speak my mind, but only in a combination of semaphore and braille.
E) with grunts and wild, complex hand gestures.

Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?

A) Sure, I love to hold hands, hug and give casual kisses.
B) I'm moderately affectionate. I like to hold hands and exchange hugs.
C) I do like a small amount of physical affection.
D) I don't consider myself a very physically affectionate person.

E) I am a hugger, hand-holder, kiss-stealer, dance-in-the-middle-of-HEB-when-a-good-song-comes-on type of guy. But don't worry, dry-humping in the middle of the produce section is out... usually.

Your idea of adventure is:

A) whitewater rafting
B) karaoke singing
C) trying a different route to work
D) ordering a dish you've never tried before

E) Battling nazis and dodging bullets in the quest for the Mighty Plunger of Quetzalcoatl

Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?

A) making a presentation to 500 people
B) a long car ride with a person you just met
C) talking about your deepest fears with your lover
D) meeting with the president of the company you work for

E) Being trapped in a closet with snakes, a puma, and several riverdancers
E) Dropping the soap in a Turkish prison

General Weirdness

I'm in a goofy mood today.

And apparently I'm not the only one. Here are some excerpts from actual IM conversations this morning...

***: doing some research on euro power plugs so i know what to get
Tenacious B: for your "marital aids?"
***: no, for my camera when i go to italy
Tenacious B: oh, right. those are a bitch to get through customs
***: marital aids or power adapters?
Tenacious B: sybians
***: heh, im not lugging one of those through italy
Tenacious B: what was I thinking?

***: hehe, how was
***: your weekend?
Tenacious B: my weekend was
Tenacious B: pretty uneventful
***: no wild parties?
***: yeah mine too, lots of studting and sleeping
Tenacious B: yeah, but it was over pretty quick after the donkey died
***: damn donkey never can keep up
Tenacious B: nope. choked on a midget

***: heh, well im glad i popped in amongst the miscellany and not amongst something more important
Tenacious B: oh, my randomness IS more important
Tenacious B: that's where the universe-changing theories and epiphanies reside
***: heh, good to know! is that somewhere next to the blackhole where the things you forget lay?
Tenacious B: you know about that?
***: heh, my blackhole is very prominent and ever expanding
***: so how was your weekend?
Tenacious B: ***: heh, my blackhole is very prominent and ever expanding
Tenacious B: /insert crude joke here
***: hehe, yeah, i left it wide open for you!
Tenacious B: /rimshot

Tenacious B: wow, that sounds SO wonderful
***: Doesn't it beat work and chores?
Tenacious B: like a rented mule

Tenacious B: wonder how the planets are aligned?
***: I was just about to ask if Eros was rising or some such nonsense.
***: It's a flouncy dress, sassy heels in hand, feet in water, frolicky kind of day.
Tenacious B: meh, my dress is too formal for that
***: that's why they made dry-cleaners.
***: So my horoscope says it's a great day for me to try something brand-new.
Tenacious B: anal?

"Your" Going to Dig This

Take Your Dog To Work Day!

Not really. But Murphy has come to work with me today.

He wasn't feeling well last night, and by that I mean he wouldn't move. He was laying by the couch taking shallow breaths. As I walked up to him, he just lifted his eyes to me and thumped his tail twice.

I called the vet about 9 last night. Well, the vet for one of the rescue organizations I volunteer for. He said it doesn't sound too serious, mayhaps an ear infection that spread.

So I'm going to watch him until at least lunch, then take him either to the vet or home, depending on his demeanor.

getting him to the door was a chore, he was walking stiff and slowly, I practically had to lift him into the truck, and came to work.

The first thing he did when we walked through the door was run up to the receptionist for some lovin.

Let me repeat that...

The first thing he did when we walked through the door was run up to the receptionist.

The big faker.

LOLSHEEP!

I typically avoid posting any LOLCAT stuff, but I couldn't resist.