Most Memorable Quote From A Dream Last Night.

"Don't ever trust a man that farts on purpose, Mr. Bond."

I really wish I could remember the context.

Old Movies

Let's say you're browsing around Blockbuster, and you happen across a favorite movie from when you were a kid. You get almost giddy with reliving the memories and the link to your childhood. You get a close friend to come over, spouting the praises of this marvelous part of your youth. You take it home, make some Jiffy Pop, and kick back as the titles roll.

And the movie wasn't nearly as great as you remember. Granted, you see some things, make some references that you didn't get from back then. But it's a disappointment nonetheless.

It's not the movie is bad, it's just not as good as it could have been or even close to what you remember. It's not the actors' fault. Their portrayal was great. They couldn't have played the parts any better. But the sets, the design, the editing, the script COULD have been better. The production values are lacking.

Now your friend is watching this, wondering what you've been smoking to think this was so great at any time in your life. But they watch it patiently, because they love you and they want to share a part of your life that was seemingly important to you. They would gladly sit through it with you, for you.

Yet they are gratefully relieved when you walk over and take out the disk.

Is it better to not have seen it and kept that memory? Or is it more important to know how bad it actually was?

Collection Tales #4764987

I get a call from my Dad. At work. Since he's in his 70s, I get a little concerned about random calls.

Turns out he just got off the phone with a collection agency, and they were trying to locate me.

Fuh Real.

Three points need to be made here:
1) I fixed my credit months ago, and only know of two open accounts against me that I'm currently at war.
2) This wasn't either of those (I'm VERY familiar with their numbers), and they both know how to get in touch with me.
3) My parents' names haven't been on anything since 1999.


He gave me their number, and I immediately called them. They went through the regular spiel, and said that they were trying to collect a past due balance of $187.36.

I was puzzled. "For what company?"
"Southwestern Bell"
"... Really?"

I tried really hard to not laugh.

New points to be made here:
1) Southwestern Bell doesn't exist. In 1995, it was changed to SBC Communications, and the name and logo were finally discarded in 2001. Then in 2005, it merged with AT&T.
2) The last time I had a Southwestern Bell account was before I moved to Denver in 2000.
3) Are you friggin kidding me?

I decided to play it cool. "Ummmm... what?" were my exact words.
"Yes, we purchased this account to collect on this debt."
"What was the date of last activity on this account?"
"1998. We can take your payment over the phone."

I couldn't hold it in any more. I busted a gut laughing into the phone. I told her, "I am NOT going to pay this or even bother talking to you again. Even if I DID owe this (which I don't), you have no possible way to collect."
SHE: "Can you prove that this isn't your debt?"
ME: "No, because I don't keep my bills from the last decade. Besides, burden of proof is on you. Good luck finding any paperwork on this."
SHE: "Sir, this will be reported to all three credit reporting agencies."
ME: "They won't report it. It's past the seven-year Statute of Limitations."
SHE: "We can sue you for it."
ME: "Go right ahead. seven-year SOL on that too."
SHE: "Errr..."
ME: "Look. Face it. you have no legal recourse, unless they changed the laws this morning and I missed it."
SHE: "We'll send you something in writing, sir." Click.

Looking forward to that, especially since she never got my address, and I've moved 7 times since I had that account.

It's good to be the king.

Audience Check

Hi all!

I've been checking my hit stats and my readers have increased again. I'm averaging about 200/day. YAY ME!

COMMA

The comments are still from the same half dozen people. So I just want to know a little more about the others. What kind of posts you like, which ones you don't, what you want to see more of, etc.

Drop me a line. You can find my email link in my profile.

And hi to the people from Italy, Singapore, Costa Rica, Germany, Iceland (I know, right?), Ireland, Brazil, Germany, England, Poland, and China that visited in the last week. Let's have a party!

Then we'll plan for global conquest. It's what I do.

Ok, So I'm Slow

I hate my brain.

All jokes about the ADD and lack of short-term memory aside, my brain has a problem.

It's slow.

It happens a lot really. People that know me are VERY familiar with my epiphanies. And why is it that most of these thoughts come to me in the shower? I mean here I am, singing, naked, rubbing myself all over. This is NOT the best time for reality to kick down the door.

Anyway...

Occasionally someone will say something to me, I'll take it totally wrong and then three days later it'll finally sink in to what they were trying to say. That's not what happened this morning though. A lot of the shit I've been going through since ChaCha and I broke up finally became clear. It hit me like a thunderbolt this morning.

And I'm doing great.

/Opens a window and feels the fresh breeze...

Baby Got... Gilbert & Sullivan?

I'm in Awe

No matter what you drive, it will never be as awesome as this:




And yes, it's got a hemi.

56 Hours

As I mentioned before, I'm an insomniac.

Not the "wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-roll-over-
to-go-back-to-sleep" variety. I'm more of the "why-the-hell-am-I-still-awake" of the species. Been that way since about seventeen.

I don't sleep much anyway. 4-5 hours is a pretty typical night. But every so often, it gets worse. So far I've been up since Weds morning at about 6. And of COURSE today was the day that my VP called us into a "short 15 min meeting" that took not quite 2 hours. I think I gave myself whiplash from the bobblehead dozing I was doing in there. I would have been more embarrassed had I any loyalty to this place. But I digress.

One would think that less sleep would mean more productive time, but they'd be dead wrong. Most of my evenings are spent walking around in an exhausted daze wondering how I'm going to squeeze in sleep in those last two hours.

This is what it's like to live in my world.

I wait until my eyes start to droop, and I can feel sleep coming. It's usually around one-ish. I have about a 20 minute window to get into bed, or else the possibilities of me falling asleep are about nil. I brush my teeth, get nekkid, and get into bed. I roll over into the tried and true position, and... nothing.

The 20 min window was just for me to get relaxed and in bed. It's still about an hour or so before I'll actually drift off. So it's a while before I find out if I got to bed in time. I'd lie there, trying to be as still as I can, and creating a fantasy world in my mind (see below). At about 2:30 I'll start getting uncomfortable, so I'll shift a few times to no avail. I'll turn on the tv for a bit (the noise helps), but at that time of the morning usually nothing on but infomercials. So tv goes off, stereo goes on. I'll drift off somewhere between 3-4.

Now for those of you that never had any trouble sleeping, or like Jean who could easily sleep 14 hours a day, let me give you some insight into sleeplessness with most insomniacs. It isn't that we're not tired. Usually we're in a constant state of exhaustion. The main issue is that
we have trouble shutting off our brains. Stuff keeps flying in and out. There's no wonder why there's a known link between ADD and insomnia. The only real way is to either get into a meditative state (which I was never really good at), or distract yourself. Sometimes you know why, like this one. Someone I'm very close to and love very much is going through a rough, soul-searching time. As hokey and new-age as it sounds, I feel it. Their pain is my pain. The ripples in the universe are throwing me around. I only hold some comfort in the fact that I feel like I'm taking away some of that pain.

Since I was about eighteen, I use a falling-asleep trick. I would create stories in my head. Mostly I'd imagine having superpowers. Seriously. A few common themes, but sometimes I'd do something off the wall. Many writers would probably kill to have some of the ideas I've had on long, sleepless nights.

Amazingly though, the best, most restful sleep I get (other than when post-coital spooning that special someone) is completely at random and on accident. Like when I'm going out, but I have some time to kill. I'll sit back on the couch and flip through the channels. Next thing I know, I'm getting a call asking why I wasn't there yet. And for all of you that's happened to, I can't apologize enough.

So that's what I'm planning to do in 2 hours when I get off. Go home, find the first available piece of furniture, and flip through the channels as long as it takes.

I'm leaving a wake-up call for Sunday.

The Doggie Wars

I'm getting a dog.

As in "A" dog. One. Only one.

Problem is, there are two very dear, near, and available to me. I need to decide which one.

So without further adieu...

Time for a N0-Holds-Barred Puppy Smackdown!
Let's get ready to RUMBLEEEEEEEE

The contenders for the main event are:

Murphy (aka Pooter Doodle)Age: 4
Height: 19"
Weight: 28lbs
Breed: Black lab/beagle
Best trick: Snork taco chips off the counter in a flash. Also rings a little bell when he wants to go outside.
Likes to: Run around like a lunatic, avoiding capture.
Quirk: Horrible flirt with the ladies. Also very ticklish.
Fighting Style: Young, quick and agile, think of a furry blur. With ADD. On meth. Easily distracted and unstructured, his only hope is a quick takedown.

History:
Many of you have asked about the puppy in my profile avatar. That's him.
After I got in a really bad auto accident in 2003, I was unable to work for about 8 months, and spent quite a bit of time alone. Jean and I were living in Denver at the time, away from family and friends. Needless to say, I was getting a little stir-crazy. So we decided to get me a friend with paws. We picked up the little 5-week-old potbellied pooch, and we became a family of three.
After the divorce, Jean asked for him (he is a momma's boy, after all) and I accepted joint custody, since she took the divorce harder than I did and could use some serious puppy therapy.
The "joint" custody turned out to be not. As a matter of fact, the first time I asked to take him, she suggested I sign a contract ensuring his return. Yeah, she actually did that. In all fairness she recanted, but I had been "allowed" to take him only three times since the divorce, and all three times because she was going out of town.
A few weeks ago, I had lunch with her, and mentioning that I was taking my vaca, asked to take him for a bit. "Hell, you can have him," she quipped. Half-joking, I know.
COMMA.
I knew he could be a bit much to handle, especially since she never was really consistent with him. Honestly, that's why he runs amok so often. So right before my birthday, she called and asked about me taking him for vaca. It being almost over it was a bit of a moot point, but I asked her if she was serious about me taking him permanently. She said she was.

Which brings us to...
Shadow (aka Goof)
Age: 10
Height: 29"
Weight: 94lbs
Breed: Golden Retriever
Best trick: Popping his head out randomly between your legs
Likes to: Be attached to my hip, towing me towards the nearest kids
Quirk: Deathly afraid of thunderstorms, will crawl under the covers during showers.
Fighting style: A lover, not a fighter. Yet older, confident and experienced. Fighting style is more Shaolin-Zen. Sweet, gentle giant. Also not too bright or exciting.

History:
After Jean and I moved back to Texas, I began volunteering again. One thing was fostering for a local rescue organization. That's when we got this big lug.
~~Shameless Plug Time: If you care to donate to help a worthwhile organization, click here~~
From the many accounts of his history, here's what I've pieced together.
He originally belonged to a career military man in a happy home. Then, when the Iraq war started, his daddy was deployed for an undisclosed period. So he gave Shadow to a home that might seem perfect at first- A family with kids out in the country, plenty of room to run around and explore, birds to chase, TONS of pooping room, etc. But the family didn't know how to take care of a Golden. First of all, they tried to keep him outside (NOTE: Goldens are NOT outdoor dogs). Once a day, they'd feed him, and that was pretty much their exposure. After a while, Shadow started trotting off to go find someone to love on him. To keep him from running off, they eventually tied him to a tree. Somewhere in the midst of this, he developed heartworms. Then the family did the best possible thing- They surrendered him to the rescue group.
He did have some issues, which I was able to work out. However, he's been placed in two homes so far (neither of them worked out too well), and has been passed on from foster to foster since.
(In all honesty, I've been told that he was happiest with me)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breakdown:
Murphy- This is MY dog. I love that guy, even though he is a handful at times. He has a strong and goofy personality, and is truly one of a kind. However, he is in a loving, nurturing home right now, and would be very happy regardless of if I take him or not.

Shadow- Fits in my lifestyle, and his personality matches me better. Also, with his age and medical condition (currently under control), it seems like I am the last chance he has for a happy home. Not many people adopt older dogs.


What do y'all think? I want to make a decision soon, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Either by comment or email would be fine.

But in the end...
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

In My Email

We've had a lot of fun laughing at the spam I've been receiving, especially the way they write them to bypass the filters.

In going through the 368 emails I accumulated during my vaca (you read that number correctly), I came across this one and felt it was worth mentioning:

Baronesses always whooped at me and even men did in the civil bathroom!
Well, now I whoop at them, because I took M_E GA D IK
for 4 months and now my penis is dreadfully weightier than national.
patronize

That makes me snicker everytime I read it.



P.S. YARRRR