56 Hours

As I mentioned before, I'm an insomniac.

Not the "wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-roll-over-
to-go-back-to-sleep" variety. I'm more of the "why-the-hell-am-I-still-awake" of the species. Been that way since about seventeen.

I don't sleep much anyway. 4-5 hours is a pretty typical night. But every so often, it gets worse. So far I've been up since Weds morning at about 6. And of COURSE today was the day that my VP called us into a "short 15 min meeting" that took not quite 2 hours. I think I gave myself whiplash from the bobblehead dozing I was doing in there. I would have been more embarrassed had I any loyalty to this place. But I digress.

One would think that less sleep would mean more productive time, but they'd be dead wrong. Most of my evenings are spent walking around in an exhausted daze wondering how I'm going to squeeze in sleep in those last two hours.

This is what it's like to live in my world.

I wait until my eyes start to droop, and I can feel sleep coming. It's usually around one-ish. I have about a 20 minute window to get into bed, or else the possibilities of me falling asleep are about nil. I brush my teeth, get nekkid, and get into bed. I roll over into the tried and true position, and... nothing.

The 20 min window was just for me to get relaxed and in bed. It's still about an hour or so before I'll actually drift off. So it's a while before I find out if I got to bed in time. I'd lie there, trying to be as still as I can, and creating a fantasy world in my mind (see below). At about 2:30 I'll start getting uncomfortable, so I'll shift a few times to no avail. I'll turn on the tv for a bit (the noise helps), but at that time of the morning usually nothing on but infomercials. So tv goes off, stereo goes on. I'll drift off somewhere between 3-4.

Now for those of you that never had any trouble sleeping, or like Jean who could easily sleep 14 hours a day, let me give you some insight into sleeplessness with most insomniacs. It isn't that we're not tired. Usually we're in a constant state of exhaustion. The main issue is that
we have trouble shutting off our brains. Stuff keeps flying in and out. There's no wonder why there's a known link between ADD and insomnia. The only real way is to either get into a meditative state (which I was never really good at), or distract yourself. Sometimes you know why, like this one. Someone I'm very close to and love very much is going through a rough, soul-searching time. As hokey and new-age as it sounds, I feel it. Their pain is my pain. The ripples in the universe are throwing me around. I only hold some comfort in the fact that I feel like I'm taking away some of that pain.

Since I was about eighteen, I use a falling-asleep trick. I would create stories in my head. Mostly I'd imagine having superpowers. Seriously. A few common themes, but sometimes I'd do something off the wall. Many writers would probably kill to have some of the ideas I've had on long, sleepless nights.

Amazingly though, the best, most restful sleep I get (other than when post-coital spooning that special someone) is completely at random and on accident. Like when I'm going out, but I have some time to kill. I'll sit back on the couch and flip through the channels. Next thing I know, I'm getting a call asking why I wasn't there yet. And for all of you that's happened to, I can't apologize enough.

So that's what I'm planning to do in 2 hours when I get off. Go home, find the first available piece of furniture, and flip through the channels as long as it takes.

I'm leaving a wake-up call for Sunday.