Is Your Child A Hacker?

I came across this article about a father's harrowing adventure in discovering his son was a hacker.


Paranoia ensues...

I know most of my readers don't follow my links, so I'll hit on the high points, namely the top 10 warning signs (and comments therein) that your son may be a computer hacker. Why your daughter couldn't be one, I'll never know.


1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?

Best quote(s):"Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL."

And most American families have questionable gene pools too.

2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?

Best quote(s):"Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash"."

EGADS! This is news to me! I could TOTALLY hack into the NASA Dbase using Comet Cursor! It's all so clear now!

3. Has your child asked for new hardware?

Best quote(s):"If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking."

Quick non-smartass note: AMD has NEVER outsourced. Ever. And it was based out of Austin. Although some parts of Texas could be considered third world. Ever been to Amarillo?

4. Does your child read hacking manuals?

Best quote(s):"If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure."

Book Burning FTW!


5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

Best quote(s):"If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day."

Hell, it takes me longer than that to check my WoW auctions. And "DOSing"? hehehehe

6. Does your son use Quake?

Best quote(s):"Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms."

Got nuthin...

7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?

Best quote(s):"As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature."

So have you NOT narrowed down to less than 98% of teenagers?

8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?

Best quote(s):"BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone."

And that's not all...

"In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface."

"Lunix"...heehee...
My comments aren't really necessary here.

9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

Best quote(s):"Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this)"

And rave parties involve mass LAN hacking? I've TOTALLY gone to the wrong parties.

10. Is your son struggling academically?

Best quote(s):"In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases."

There are those damn voices again!
Since when is meningitis a psychological disease?

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