Buzzing With Excitement

I get a call from my friend Lillith on Tuesday.

She:"What're you doing tomorrow?"
Me:"Was planning on overthrowing the government, but other than that, nothin. What's up?"
She:"Wanna take a field trip with me?"
Me:"Sure. Need a wing man?"
She:"Nope, I need to go buy something, and thought it'd be fun if you came along."
Me:"No prob. What are we buying?"
She:"A vibrator. Mine broke. We can have dinner first."
Me:"..."
Me:"Sure. Why the hell not?"

Now, for clarification, she didn't NEED me to come. She's not the type of person that would be embarrassed to go alone, and I have no problem with checking out "girl stuff," no matter how graphic it may be. But she's a hoot, so I thought it'd be fun. I did tell her however that if she starts sizing latex fists, I was out of there. She said she had an adequate collection already, so we were good.

Man, she cracks me up.

I was a little worried though when she walked in and went DIRECTLY to the one she wanted, considering there were three aisles of electronic goodies for the ladies. I asked her how often she comes here and she said just when her vibe breaks. Apparently she's gone through three of those bad boys, and needs a 12-step program.

anyway, she got one with...

a...

remote.

Yeah. For the lazy sex-crazed women, I imagine. Oh, I TOTALLY have new fodder for making fun of her now.

We then spent the next 20 minutes browsing. My favorite items were the fetish ones, like the "completely lifelike" tranny sex doll (that's right, inflatable pre-op), the various bondage equipment, the feather-on-a-stick that they were selling for $19.99, and a latex foot. Ya heard me (Looked around size 11, FTR).

Other items of interest:

• The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex 2 (DVD)- To take care of all of those unanswered questions from the first one?
• Oral sex mints- According to the tin, to be used during oral sex, although after might not be a bad idea either. Sometimes.
  
• Flavored lubricants- Not weird in itself, but some of the flavors were (Looking at you, Key Lime).
• A vibrator that had several prongs and additions that was obviously for a woman that had at least two additional body parts. Or maybe I missed the memo.
  

Lil also said something I have NEVER heard uttered by any friend before. Especially with a wink. "Really? You never used a cock ring? You really should." What the hell do you say to that? Especially since she knows I'm not "intimate" with anyone right now.

My real low point of the evening was when we were perusing what was apparently the male genitalia aisle. I didn't compare myself to the latex giants we saw...

Until...

Lil started describing her ex's "member." "It was sort of like that," she would mention, pointing to what at best would be described as a cannon, "but about that length and is sort of shaped like that one," as she pointed out in turn circus-freak proportioned mounds of pink rubber.

I want to reiterate, Lil is a friend. No jealousy or romance here. Also, I have no problems with my goods, so to speak. But DAMN. No wonder she's single. Who could ever "measure up," to pardon the pun? And she does have a gift for making me feel inadequate. Or perhaps she's doing a pre-emptive strike on all the jokes I WILL make at her expense.

Anyway, done with browsing and her new major appliance in hand, we proceeded to checkout. Surprisingly, the girl checking us out took the remote out of the package, and inserted batteries to test it. It's funny how with all the electronics I buy, it's in a store like this that they actually make sure the devices work. She inserted the batteries (6 of them) and flipped the switch.

...

Damn.

It had 3 speeds, which she tried them all: Low, medium, and Who-needs-a-man. Seriously. I wish my orbital sander had that kind of power. Holding it in my hand on medium, I think I found religion.

And Lil, speaking as a friend, cut down on the power. It'll motivate you more to find a boyfriend.